Bob & Pri @ IntimacyWorks

It’s OK to ask for what you want. - PART 1

Hi everyone,

I was just reading an article on another blog Tell It Like It Is and when I left a comment, I thought “I’ve been meaning to write about this“, so I came back to do it. But as I have been writing it, I realize it is a big subject, so I’m afraid I have to put it into a couple of parts. So please bear with me and take in what this one has to offer, and come back to read more.

I am a firm believer in following a principle I was taught by Stan Dale, the founder of HAI (Human Awareness Institute).

He said: “Ask for 100% off what you want……[here's the important part]…and be willing to hear “no” for an answer……… (There’s actually a bit more, but I want to talk about the basic idea.)

Experience has shown me that one of the main reasons many of us are unhappy in our relationships is because we are not getting the things we want and need from our partner. Hmmm…..That seems very obvious doesn’t it: “”i’m not happy because I’m not getting what I want & need.”

But is it realistic to expect to get what we want and need - that is “get our needs met” - when we don’t clearly say what those needs are?

Oh wait - I think I remember something about couples in relationships, especially those in long-term relationships. It goes something like this::

“My partner should know what I want and need. That makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? After all, they have been around me awhile. They “know” what I like and don’t like. I’m sure I have told them many, many times. They should remember. Really, we are so connected they should be able to read my mind! They should be able to know (or remember) what I want and need without me telling them. I shouldn’t have to keep asking for the things I need. ……. In fact, now that I think about it, if they don’t know exactly what I want and need, it is obviously because they don’t really love me (or don’t love me enough).”

Opps! That isn’t where I wanted to go. But is that familiar to any of you? We aren’t happy because we don’t get our needs met, and it is our partner’s fault. Have any of you ever gone to that place before? I know I have.

So I want to propose a different way to look at the whole idea of getting our needs met by our partner. I want to propose that it is OK for us to actually let our partner know the things we want and need from them. I want to propose that “It is OK to ask for what we want and need”.

BUT there’s another very important part of that. It is that when we ask for something from out partner, we do so with the belief in our heart that it will be OK for them to say “no” to our request. And to understand that if they say “no”, that doesn’t mean they don’t love us. There can be many reasons for them not to be able to honour our request in the moment we ask. And the reason they say “no” is almost certainly not because they don’t love us.

Does any of this resonate with any of you? I will say more about it, but I would love to hear what any of you think about the basic concept: “It’s OK to ask for what you want.”

That’s all for right now. I am going off to a weekend workshop so probably won’t be able to continue until next week.

Love and Hugs to you all. - Bob

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