Bob & Pri @ IntimacyWorks

I don’t have to do it alone! (Really?)

This post is prompted from my first experience attending a “networking” group. But, it’s not actually about “networking”. I learned - actually “remembered” - something fascinating about me, and that remembrance might be of help to you.

I was a bit hesitant to go to the networking evening, because I didn’t know what to expect, but Priyatama (my wife & business partner) thought we should go, and being the accommodating and obedient husband that I am, I said “OK”. So we packed up a bunch of our business cards, “Intimacy Works!” info cards, and events flyers, and off we went to attend a”Networking 4 Therapists” evening. (There’s a part of me that feels that everyone in the world knows about what “networking” is and does, and that I was the only person without any real knowledge of it.)

Before you say: “I’m not interested in networking”, stay with me for a bit. This isn’t about networking itself, but yet again another example of an experience that caused me to “remember” something that I already knew was important to me, but I had let slip out of my conscious awareness.

But first, I went into the evening thinking that I would have the opportunity to tell others about what Priyatama and I offer people, and see what other people in the therapy field might have to offer to us.

The evening started with people speaking their definitions of what networking was. The consensus was that networking was about making connections of a two-way nature. (I looked it up in Wikipedia which gave me absolutely no help, but the dictionary did, defining it as: “A supportive system of sharing information and services among individuals and groups having a common interest.”)

Having defined what networking was, we were then told that we should approach meeting other people during this evening with the primary intention of finding out about them, not telling them about us. That was not quite what I had thought I would do, but I decided to try it, and we then jumped into a “speed-networking” process. (Like “speed-dating” if you know what that is.) We formed two concentric circles, paired with someone in the other (inner/outer) circle, and off we went with exactly 60 seconds to learn about the person in front of us. Then we would switch, with them having a minute to learn all about us - who we were, what we did, what we offered to people, and anything else they were interested in about us. Then “STOP!“, “Step to the left to a new partner” and “Begin!“, again for 60 seconds each, then on to the next person.

I want to say it was quite a process! Listening, I found it really interesting to hear what my partner had to say, and occasionally I asked questions of them to hone in about something I wanted to know more about or clarify. From the other side, I found that I had to get increasingly clear about exactly what Priyatama and I offered to people, and specifically what I thought was important to tell them in one minute.

What was unexpected and valuable was that I found I connected with some people who might be able to help me with something outside of the therapy-focused service they were there to promote. (I usually discovered this in speaking with them in more detail after the end of the “speed-networking” portion on the evening.)

So in connecting with these “new” people, who I discovered might be able to assist me in some aspect of my life, I was reminded that:

I don’t have to do it all alone.
I don’t have to do everything myself.
I can ask for help.
I can get support from others.
which can be extended to mean
It is OK to need others.

That’s quite a lot to realize, but for me (and I believe a lot of others) it’s easy to forget those things. Very frequently I think: “I can do it myself!” Actually, more often I think: “I must do it myself!“. This happens much more often for me than it seems to for Priya (usually). I don’t like to generalize, but I think that way of thinking is more of a man thing than a woman thing. (Have you read John Grey’s book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus“? While I enjoyed reading it, I certainly don’t agree with all of it. I believe that men and women are much more alike on a core level than they are different, but the book does have some things to say that I think are valid. If you read it, I suggest you don’t consider it all to be THE TRUTH. Read what Wikipedia says.)

Back to my point. When we are part of a partnered relationship, regardless if it is romantic, family, business, friendship, or a casual encounter, we need to remember that virtually all relationships work better when the connection includes “sharing” on at least some level. In the work Priya and I do with people, especially couples, one of the things we emphasize is the importance of the “partnership” aspect of relationships. To us, this is one of the basic parts of any type of successful relationship - from new and casual to long-term, committed.

But in order for a true “partnership” to exist, both people have to be willing to not only give, but also - and in some ways even more important - to be able to receive. And if you take the attitude “I can do it all myself”, that doesn’t leave much room to receive what your partner wants to give.

We ask in our courses and workshops: “How many of you think you are better at giving than receiving?” and then: “How many of you are better at receiving?”

How did you answer those questions? Our experience is that most people are much better “givers” that “receivers”. But did you ever stop to think that if in a relationship both people are so focused on giving, that there is no one there to receive what is being offered? How do you feel when you want to lovingly and willingly give to your partner, but your offer is turned away because: “I can do it myself.” or “I don’t want to ask for (or accept) help.” or “I don’t need support. I’ll deal with it myself.”

How does that make you feel when you want to support and help your partner - or anyone you are connecting with - and they seem to push you away?

So I think there is an important thing to be learned here. When you can accept that “You don’t have to do it alone!” That “It’s OK to need others.” what you are doing is opening up your capacity to connect with others. And connecting with others is what relationships are all about.

I know this! I know it works for me! I know it makes the relationship I have with Priyatama - and most others in my life - fuller, richer, deeper.

And even knowing that - as well as I do - I still sometimes forget it.

So, I encourage you all to see the value of asking for - and graciously accepting - help and support in your life.

It’s OK to need others!

You don’t have to do it alone!

If any of this strikes a chord - resonates - with you, we would love to hear from you. Please comment on your experiences, or feel free to raise questions here. Let us and others know how you feel about what I have written here.

Namaste & Love to you all. Bob

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