Bob & Pri @ IntimacyWorks

We’re Mostly Alike! (Even when we seem different.)

I’m a bit late in posting this. I said I would post something after our “Be My Valentine” workshop, but I’m more than a week late. Sorry!One of the things that I always experience when Priyatama and I lead a workshop, is how “teaching” to others actually provides important reminders to me about myself and my relationship with Priya. This post is about one of those “reminders”.

My experience is that when I am dealing with difficult things, it is easy to feel very much alone. Especially when the issue might have to do with Priya, so I don’t always feel I can go directly to her about it. I think I also can easily fall into the trap of: “I have to do it myself.” (Does that sound familiar to anyone?) I don’t like to generalize, but I believe that men get that “do it by myself” feeling more than women do. While I have both male and female friends that I can be intimate with (I do not mean “sexual”), I find my tendency is to want to go off by myself and figure things out on my own, discover a solution - or maybe just let my feelings dissipate, and then “come out of my cave” and return to my life.

Let me talk about this “come out of my cave”. I am sometimes amazed how differently Priya and I deal with difficult situations or conflict in our relationship. She generally wants to immediately discuss what is going on, while I want to withdraw and separate myself for a while. To “go off into my cave”.

Can you see how these different ways of wanting to deal with things can actually escalate the difficulty; increase the conflict? It happens with us - except that when we are able to be aware that dynamic is happening, we are usually able to deal with it in a way that supports both of our needs and feelings. (Exactly how we do this will be the subject of an upcoming article in our newsletter. If you haven’t yet subscribed, you can sign up here.)

But back to my original “reminder” that I got from the Valentines workshop. I remembered that I am not totally unique in what I experience in my relationships. Well, that’s not quite true, in that I have a uniqueness that is truly mine alone, and so everything I experience cannot be exactly like what other people experience in similar situations. But it does mean that I’m not totally alone in whatever I am going through. Others have been there before - and have (usually) survived the experience, and have hopefully even grown from it.

What I need to remember is that when I am faced with something difficult in my life, whether in relationship or not, I can get help with it, usually from friends, sometimes from other sources. I don’t have to carry the entire burden - solve the entire problem - alone. I can actually ask for - and usually receive - help from others. Simple!

I think we all know the phrase: “It is easier said than done.” A wise person from whom I have learned much (Dr. Stan Dale), used to say: “Saying something is simple is not the same as saying it is easy.” So I won’t pretend that being aware of what is going on for both myself and another person I may be in a bit of unease, discomfort, or even difficulty with is always easy. But my experience is that if I can open myself up to looking at them with love, compassion, understanding, I can think: “We’re both really alike. We both have feelings, and we both can have a difficult time dealing with problems and conflicts.” If I can remember that, my interaction with the other person can more easily come from a place of love, and that can make our communications work better for both of us.

So returning to my title: “We’re Mostly Alike”, I invite all of you to do your best to remember that when you are having difficulty in a relationship, the other person is probably having a hard time, just like you are. And to try to tie this all together, if we can reach out to share what is going on with ourselves with others we trust, it can really make dealing with difficulties easier.

To end, I would really like to hear from some of you about this. Does any of what I have said resonate with, sound familiar, to you? Men, do you sometimes want to “retreat into your cave” when your partner wants to discuss things NOW and get them resolved? Women, do you hate it if your male partner wants to pull away and isolate himself when you want to “work things out”? Does any of this seem obvious? Is any of this new to you? What are your thoughts?

By the way, I have used male/female examples, but the same dynamics apply to partnered relationships of the same gender, and in family and co-worker relationships.

Namaste. Bob

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