Free Article - From September 2008 Newsletter
'Clearing The Air'
How To Lovingly Resolve an Argument
How often do things blow up completely out of proportion, and you just want to get things clear with your partner? Good, loving communication is vital. But it’s often easier said than done! Here is a simple technique we’d like to share that has brought us closer together than practically anything else in our relationship.
One of the hardest things in a relationship is keeping the doors of communication open when difficulties arise and things get tough.
At ‘Intimacy Works’ we help people make their relationships deeper and more loving. That’s great! But how do you express something difficult, particularly to someone you know pretty well.
You may be fed up with something they have said or done. It’s been building up and you just have to speak out. To let them know you are feeling upset or angry.
Don’t bottle it up. You are right to let them know - the sooner the better. There’s nothing worse than building up a nasty stack of stuff that you are annoyed about, then suddenly dumping it onto them ... or someone else.
That’s not good news for them. It’s not good for you either! Letting the problem build into a pile of resentment that can explode - maybe without boundaries - is definitely not the way to go.
So, how do we handle our ‘hot’ emotions in re-action to someone else’s actions?
What is “Clearing”?
We have a useful tool to help you in this sensitive area of relationship, called ‘clearing”.
Think of ‘clearing’ as a powerful strategy that will let you clear something that is sitting smack bang in the way of your loving feelings towards another person. This dreadful STACK can prevent you seeing the person you love.
‘Clearing’ essentially means having a sincere desire to re-connect. This process will allow you to get back to that loving place with your partner. It is about finding a way to share your feelings in a way that feels safe to you and them.
That may sound like a tall order sometimes! We have all experienced someone telling us “How they feel” and it has felt like we were being attacked. We felt dumped on. And although we might be ashamed to admit it - we have also experienced it the other way around - when we poured out angry feelings towards another and they have felt attacked by us.
Of course, that rarely accomplishes anything positive. It usually makes things worse. When we feel attacked, our normal reaction is to run away, stand and defend ourselves, or counter attack.
How do we get around this “natural instinct”? How can we express our feelings to another without making it feel like an attack, blame or making them out wrong? How do we ‘clear’ the feelings inside in a way that produces positive results?
The answer is actually quite simple - it is all about our intention.
Do you really want to make up again?
In other words … Do you want to get back into a loving place with this person … partner, friend or family member?
This may seem an unnecessary question to be asking yourself. You may be thinking: "Of course I want to get back into a good place with them. Of course I want to be connected again."
Sometimes that truly IS the case and our heart is open to that. At other times, we are not really ready. We are full of anger or resentment and not ready to work with a clearing process - reconnecting and opening to love again. So even if there is anger, are you able to put it aside and reach out to connect? If not, maybe you need more time to lick your wounds and work through your feelings a bit first.
If you are ready to clear, this could be one of the most important tools you have to improve your relationships.
( Bob: This is one of the “tools” that Priya and I have learned and use on a regular basis, and probably has the most impact on our staying connected and being in love.)
If you desire to re-establish connection with a person and are willing to take responsibility for your part in the issue, this is a true formula for success. This is really important. If you simply want to “blame” the other person, tell them how horrible they were to you, or rant about how angry you feel - clearing won’t work.
Holding on for too long
As well as not attempting to clear something when our feelings are still running high, there may be other reasons to delay - which are not so helpful.
Perhaps we don’t want to “make an issue of it”. We think: “Oh, it’s not a big thing” and prefer not to tell how we are really feeling. However, if these ‘little’ things are left unsaid, they can build up until one more ‘little thing’ from that person can push us over the edge. So our upset or anger bursts out, usually surprising them and making them think: “What just happened? What did I do? It wasn’t a big thing!”
Does any of this sound familiar -either on the giving or receiving end?
Frankly, if we can learn to ‘clear’ these issues in a loving way - before they build up big time, it will improve our relationships no end.
(2nd half of article from newsletter)
How to do ‘Clearing’
The process of ‘clearing’ may sound formulaic. But believe me, having a formula to turn to when things are very sensitive or on the verge of break down, can be very useful indeed. It is good to learn the basic structure and then adapt it to fit your personal style. Don’t change too much though… it’s been well thought out!
If you are using this in an ongoing relationship, it’s great if you both know how it works. So when the going gets tough, the chances are that one of you will remember the technique and suggest bringing it into action. It can be a great relief to have it there.
The process has three distinct steps:
- Asking permission
- Clearing - stating what is true for you in a specific way
- Response - receiving a clearing.
1. Asking Permission or Getting Consent
Asking permission and ‘establishing mutual consent’ is a fundamental step in the process. I cannot stress its importance enough. In life, many people tend to express their strong opinions and feelings without first respectfully gaining someone's consent.
Imagine if, when you were a child and in trouble, your parents stopped to ask your permission before saying why they were upset with you.
That sounds crazy because most of us have rarely been respectfully asked if we were emotionally available to hear about someone's upset, frustration or anger. Many people are made to feel wrong for someone else's strong feelings or reactions. This is why consent or permission is vital. It is especially important to ask permission of a partner. You may have been inclined to ‘take for granted’ that you don’t need to ask permission. You definitely do!
Gaining consent is the first step in the clearing process. It is very important to start by asking if the other person is willing to hear you.
Say something like: “I have something to clear with you. Are you willing to hear it?” or “Can I tell you something that’s bugging me (in the way) right now?”
Wait for, and honour their reply before continuing. If they answer “No," ask if they would be willing to hear it at a later time (i.e. negotiate a time). Respect their “No". If they answer “Yes”, express your feelings along these guidelines:
2. The “Clearing” itself…..how to do it
Remember, the purpose of a clearing is not to get the other person to change his or her behaviour, but to be heard by them. Once we feel heard, we often find it easier to drop our barriers and get back into a loving place with them.
Always use “I” statements. Speak what is true for you, about your experience, your feelings and your requests. Generally it doesn’t work if you tell them what they did. This process is about what you believe to have happened (from your perspective), how you felt about it, and any requests you may have.
Explain what you perceived them to have said or done, and how you felt about it. Understand that they may have experienced the incident differently than you did!
If you have a request and would like them to respond differently, state the request clearly, and ask if they would be willing to consider doing it.
Phew … that’s almost it! Take a deep breath and let's look at the last part. Then see an example below of what this may all look like in real life.
3. The response: receiving a clearing.
So far we have focused on the person who is offering the clearing. But an important factor in this process is how the person receiving actually “listens” and how they respond.
Even though it may be difficult (emotionally) to hear what they are saying, do your best to honour them by not interrupting - unless you don’t understand something. Give them time and space to complete what they want to tell you.
When they are finished, don’t respond with an explanation or justification.
Simply say, “Thank you” or “Thank you, I can see what you’re saying.” Or even “Thank you. You’re right”. By saying something like this, you are honouring both the courage of the person to engage with you, as well as their desire to become closer to you. "Thank you" acknowledges their experience, without getting into debate, justification, defence or argument.
‘Thank you” is simply about receiving them. By doing this you are not necessarily agreeing or disagreeing. Rather you are saying that you have heard them with compassion and are acknowledging their experience. Just receive!
You could also, with their permission, ‘active listen’ to their clearing so that you can be extra clear that you get what they are saying. “May I tell you what I heard you say?” is sometimes valuable for tackling sensitive topics. This also means that the person clearing knows for sure that they have been heard.
Optional follow-up if needed
Finally, you may feel that more discussion is needed to fully clear things up. It is generally better not to launch into that discussion right then. However, you can ask if they would be willing to talk about it later, and agree to a time. But be aware that even though they have had some feelings about the issue, just knowing that you have heard them and acknowledged their experience may have shifted things so they no longer have energy on it or need further discussion.
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A true-to-life example of the clearing process
Gulp! This feels a bit vulnerable…but I know it would be best to offer something that is actually a real one from our relationship…..so here goes.
Pri: Bob, are you willing to hear something I’d like to tell you about? It’s getting in the way of my feeling loving towards you at the moment.
Bob: (pause to consider) … OK, go on.
Pri: Well, it’s about the way I experienced you being this morning. I feel put down and made wrong when you turn away from me in the mornings if I say I have to get up and get on with some urgent work. I experience you as turning away from me and rejecting me. It feels really hard for me. (tears) I feel very pushed away and made to feel bad. It reminds me of being a kid and getting rejected when I asked for something I needed.
Bob: (looking very compassionate) Thank you. Shall I tell you what I think I heard you say?
Pri: (tearfully) Yes please.
Bob: You felt really upset and rejected this morning, when you told me you needed to get up and work; and I made a harsh comment and turned away.
Pri: Yes, that’s about it.
Bob: Thanks for telling me this. I can see how it could feel rejecting and like you experienced when you were small.
Pri: (a bit happier) Yes, that’s right. Thank you.
Bob: Would you like a hug?
Pri: Yes, please.
Bob: Can we have a chat about this later on today? I'd like to say a bit about what was going on for me.
Pri: OK, that would be good…in a few hours, when it feels more settled.
Bob: OK, you let me know when it’s good for you.
Wow, it feels surprisingly good getting that out there. Hope it makes it all clear for you and more personal.
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That's what "Clearing" is all about. We hope you found it helpful. When you try to use the process, above everything else……. be loving and gentle with yourself … and the other person.
Priya (& Bob)
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