Free Article - From September 2007 Newsletter
How Do You Start Talking About Intimacy?
I often get calls from men who are looking for "more pleasure,
more enjoyable sex, something more" in their relationships.
They might have heard a bit about the ancient art of Tantra, and think,
"It's all about having better sex." They wonder if that's what they
need. Sometimes they think they have a problem that's all their fault,
and has nothing to do with their partner: "I'm not relaxed enough."
"I climax too quickly." "I can't perform well."
My first question to them is always, "Have you and your partner talked
about this?" The answer is usually, "No, we don't talk about intimacy
or sexuality."
In my experience, an intimacy issue in a relationship never belongs to
only one person. It belongs to both - it's a dynamic you create
together and it's foundational to your love and connection.
As an example, we have recently been working with a man, Simon, in his
early 40's. He and his first love from school, Nora, (not
their real names) got married at twenty. They were each
other's first sexual partners. Nora & Simon were both
brought up similarly. In their families, sex was a totally
taboo subject and there was no physical intimacy or outward
evidence of love between their parents.
Simon & Nora are acting out in their marriage the same
scenarios they experienced when growing up. They never talk
about intimate feelings, have little physical contact and don't cuddle.
When they do have sex, which is rare, the lights are out,
there is no foreplay or loving verbal communication, and it is over
very quickly.
When Simon came to us he was desperate. He felt completely
starved of physical closeness and loving connection. He was
clear that he loves Nora, but he knew something important was missing
from their relationship. He didn't know what it was and had
no idea of how to find it.
Simon is finally starting to discover and define what he wants and
desires, and - most important - he is starting to communicate
his needs to Nora.
This is a slow, sometimes even scary, journey for Simon & Nora.
But Simon is courageously leading the way and managing to
create closeness and loving communication with Nora, without blaming
her or scaring her off. The relief he is feeling, as he connects more
deeply with the woman he loves, is clearly evident.
So what did we recommend to help them?
First: TALK and really listen to each other.
Own the feelings as your own and share them with your partner. "I feel
sad that we aren't making love often these days," or "I feel worried
that I'm not enjoying our sex as much as I'd like."
Speak about the difficulties and disappointments. Emphasize
that you're not blaming, nor are you taking the blame. "I'd
love to see what we can do about this together."
Second: KEEP ON TALKING and "own" the feelings that come up.
And keep on loving each other honestly. Stay away from
blaming and keep a sense of loving appreciation for your partner's
honesty and vulnerability.
Let the love flow. Rest and absorb the new things you're
discovering about each other. Look into each other's eyes and let it
all unfold. The way forward is gentle and together. You owe it to
yourself and your relationship.
Do these things and you will have made a great start!
Priya
If you liked this article, sign up here to receive
our newsletter!